The last few weeks, my columns have been rather whiny over the Big Brother lot, so it's time to spice things up and talk about something we all have in common – SEX, baby.
Sex is always a touchy subject, pun definitely intended there.
My reasons for wanting to talk about this? Well, there are lots.
Something triggered when I read an article recently about 13 celebs who are allegedly "bad in bed".
I found myself a tad sad to find my absolute crush was amongst them, 50 Cent.
Like a school girl with a fancy, when you find out something negative about your idol, your passion sorta fizzles. Guilty as charged, I did this. I felt he wasn't top notch eye candy anymore.
Yes, I'm a cringe-bag. I know the chances of me finding out if it's actually true are pretty slim. Can't really see 50 rocking up in blingless Bolton.
I started to think, hmm, what makes someone bad at sex? And after digging around male friends for feedback, as well as a nymph blogger, I've found it interesting what a "s*** shag" really means.
Chatting to one of my lad pals, I asked him the question, 'How is a girl bad in bed?' He answers, 'When she just lies there like a sack of spuds not moving."
I then challenged him, saying is it not him that's just got a poor technique if she's not responding?
Being a girl, if someone is good in the bedroom, you naturally respond to it, right? If someone is rubbish, again, you'd surely respond to this too? I certainly would. Well, many moons ago when my sex life was slightly more, erm, existent should we say (yep, slowly turning into a monk).
So, my nymph friend, let's call him Frank, mentions that a lot of girls he sleeps with, if recently broken up from a romance, typically adopt two stances: on top or underneath.
Trying to think back to what I was like when I slept with a guy for the first time after my split from a long relationship, I think I too was exactly like that. In fact, I cried like a freak the next day through feelings of guilt, should have slapped myself there and then. We won't get into that though.
Instead, let me tell you a story, after all, a lot of us have one or two embarrassing sex tales.
Sorry in advance to the guy if he's reading this…
I was about 19, went to an after-party after a long boozy night… one thing let to another… and to cut a long story short (literally)...
My pal was getting busy in the next room with the fella she copped off with, as I'm TRYING to get in the mood with my guy.
Sadly, I couldn't find the tools to help me get there, the guy was practically penisless. Thought I'd found a dust cap from his BMX in his undercrackers, not a willy.
Anyway, me having the loudest mouth known to man, shouts, "Sorry, but I can't find it." My mate hears me through the wall, bursts into laughter mid-sex, before I get a b********* from this guy's friend which made me and my pal giggle even more, then bam, the door is banged right behind us. Not the door we intended on getting banged either. Too crude? Soz.
This leads me on to why people cheat.
You find a lot of guys claim their reason for infidelity is because their girlfriends aren't a good lay. Can't get my head around this, tbh. How is cheating going to help the sex at home?
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